Insomnia and Thoughts

God...this is rough! My sleep patterns are totally all over the place. I can't seem to fix it either. One day I wake up early but that night I can't get to sleep and the next day I wake up late. Its a vicious cycle. Although to be honest my mind is on overdrive tonight. This is all because of a few blogs I have just seen that made me think.....



I am somewhat of a walking talking stereotype of what an Irish Woman should be and I usually embrace it. Fiery, Temperamental, Fiesty, Agressive, Passionate, Loyal...and drinks too much tea....lol. My worst trait though is that I tend to be the kind of person who holds grudges...can't help it...it must be in my genes or as I always think, my culture. Sometimes though, like tonight, I rethink the past and dwell on things that have gone before. 



I am a very loyal person. Well, I like to think that! But......some things that I've done and things that have happened to me over the last few years have really made me wonder wether my loyalty to friends is deserving on their part and justified and real on my part. The thing about me is, I expect loyalty in return! Is that such a bad thing? With my long term friends that I have known for years I don't even have to question that but I have had to question loyalty to "so-called friends" I have met over the last few years. 



One friend in particular who I gave alot of time and effort to and stood up for, especially at a few bad times in her life, wasn't there for me when it came down to the time when I needed a friend. I think about this quite a lot when its quiet, not that my busy brain gives me much time. I wonder why I bothered! I wonder why she didn't feel that same sense of loyalty. I always try to be nice about it but it comes out all wrong...I always end up thinking...she just used me, she just wanted to be popular, she only cared about herself...blah blah blah. I wonder if she would ever tell me why? 



Is that it? Is it all her fault or were my expectations too high? I have received two views on this...my friends in Japan think I expected too much and my Irish friends think I was right to expect what I did. Is it a cultural thing? (Most of my friends in Japan were American or Australian) So what should I think? To be honest I think I will have to just go with my gut. 



Black and White are the colours I see the world in. I try not to sit on the fence and I do take sides. If someone treats me badly I do not take it. Why should I be ridiculed for that? Just because I have views that are deemed too much for others. I do feel though that because I take this stance I am always seen as the baddie in the scene. Shouting my mouth off and telling people what I think of them isn't doing much good. I will never change though. I figure that I would rather go through life with a few loyal friends than with a big group of friends who don't give a damn about me and are only trying to get themselves ahead.



I do realise that the way I deal with things might be a bit drastic. I tend to completely stop contact with anyone who is nasty to me. Again, is this so bad? Is it not better to do without people like that? 



It is a very lonely path and one that made my life pretty shitty for a while. It was my own choice to do that but never once did my "friend" try to reach out to me and fix things. So does that justify my actions? I wish things had happened differently because we were good friends for a time. 



Ah well, these things happen and life goes on. I have so many stories like this and I worry if it's all my fault! I try not to regret anything I do but I do realise that maybe this is a time in my life where maybe I could make a few adjustments.